29 May 2010

I can't make all his choices

* Another long-lost post from last summer's draft cemetery. I should probably check more often to ensure I post what I write.

As a mother, I want to make every single choice for Jonas. I want what is best for him and rather insistently, I believe I know what's best.

More quickly and more often than I would like to admit, Jonas shows me that he does indeed have agency. Naturally, he is a strong-willed child. He chooses what food he wants; what activities he wants to do; what parent he wants comfort from. And he doesn't do it quietly or passively.

Right now, it's no big deal. We hear a lot of screaming when he doesn't get what he wants, but he's just a babe. Some day however, the terrifying years when he chooses his friends will arrive. Even at this young age, he is already showing preference.

Some of his friends are because they are family.

Some of his friends are because Mommy chose them for him.

And then there's Merrick. I would happily have chosen this child as Jonas' friend. However, my liking of this little boy had nothing to do with Jonas' choosing him as a buddy. They love to play together. They follow one another around. They share inside jokes.

It is a reminder to me that eventually I will need to relinquish all control. Gradually of course, but it will be a release nonetheless. Let's just hope we teach him what real friends look like so his choices are as good later as they are now.

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