Our struggle to have Jonas is no secret. As friends and family would invite me to share in the joy of their developing wombs, I laid in bed with my heart rent into splintered desires. I wanted to celebrate with them, yet celebrations were tainted by distress and occasional self-loathing.
This week, 2 of my favorite women gave birth to beautiful babies. In the past two weeks, 3 very dear friends announced their pregnancies. All the while, I've been waiting for the familiar wave of sorrow to envelop me.
But it hasn't arrived. The wave stood me up.
An interesting phenomenon has occurred since the birth of our angel baby: the pain subsided.
John 16:21 promises a very real promise:The pain is by no means gone. I remember my thoughts and have an intellectual understanding of the experience, but the anguish does not run through my bones. When friends announce their pregnancies, I rejoice fully. Their joy is not coupled with my sorrow.
"A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world."
Yes, I long for more children. Jonas would have been made a brother three months ago if it were up to me. But if we are not blessed with more, I will not be dissatisfied. Disappointed, indeed. But dissatisfied, never again, for I cannot deny my "joy that a man is born into the world."
Happy First Birthday Jonas-Boy. You are truly our gift from God.