01 June 2009

The Pain Goes Away

Jonas turns 1 tomorrow. Even though it is his big day, he has been such a gift that I feel like it's my birthday instead.

Our struggle to have Jonas is no secret. As friends and family would invite me to share in the joy of their developing wombs, I laid in bed with my heart rent into splintered desires. I wanted to celebrate with them, yet celebrations were tainted by distress and occasional self-loathing.

This week, 2 of my favorite women gave birth to beautiful babies. In the past two weeks, 3 very dear friends announced their pregnancies. All the while, I've been waiting for the familiar wave of sorrow to envelop me.

But it hasn't arrived. The wave stood me up.

An interesting phenomenon has occurred since the birth of our angel baby: the pain subsided.
John 16:21 promises a very real promise:
"A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world."
The pain is by no means gone. I remember my thoughts and have an intellectual understanding of the experience, but the anguish does not run through my bones. When friends announce their pregnancies, I rejoice fully. Their joy is not coupled with my sorrow.

Yes, I long for more children. Jonas would have been made a brother three months ago if it were up to me. But if we are not blessed with more, I will not be dissatisfied. Disappointed, indeed. But dissatisfied, never again, for I cannot deny my "joy that a man is born into the world."

Happy First Birthday Jonas-Boy. You are truly our gift from God.



12 comments:

Michelle said...

So cute!!! Happy birthday baby boy. I love you

heather said...

Happy Birthday! I am so happy when you became pregnant with Jonas and I'm happy because you are happy! Love ya.

Kara said...

Happy Birthday Jonas!!!

Erica Huff said...

Happy Birthday Jonas! Beautiful post Jen!

Heather said...

Perfect.

Happy Birthday big boy!

Kali said...

Oh Jen that post was beautiful. I regret that I don't know all that you have gone through in trying to have Jonas. But this post gives me a glimpse. Truly then, Jonas is a gift. thanks for sharing what is in your heart. I adore you!

jessica said...

Happy Birthday Handsome! Welcome to Toddlerhood!

Josh and Jenn Songster said...

Happy Birthday to Jonas, happy birthday to Jonas Happy birthday dear Jonas (and mommy), happy birthday to you!!!!!!!

PS...I did the entire 20 minute work out!!!! Yeah, I know it is because of my awesomeness!!!!! (yes I know I probably misspelled that!)

Janae Walker said...

happy birthday little man! jen - he is a gift. :)

Kirchner Family said...

Happy Birthday Jonas! You are lucky to have such a great mom!

natalie said...

Oh Jen. I read this and bawled. What an amazing woman you are. Your perspective is incredible. Your little Jonas is so blessed to have you as a mom and Pat as a dad. Happy Birthday dear Jonas! We love you so much!

Tiara said...

Awe...once again crying...Happy Late Birthday Jonas!