05 February 2009

I'm wavering

between self-pity and son-pity.

The point of exhaustion is not typically within my reach, but I'm toeing the line this week.

The little man cries. A lot. When he refrains, it is usually to make a liar out of me as he is so enthralled with crowded places that he forgets his discomfort for a few moments--just enough time for everyone to say, "You have such a good baby!" and for me to smile graciously.

He has had one cryless day (hallelujah) in two weeks, with the remaining days being full of activities such as sickness and teething and boredom and food-refusing.

Yesterday: no naps. The norm around here is three. He woke up every 30-45 minutes the night before (with a 2-hour snooze snuck in there, thankfully), so my day started at 4:30 am, after having been up for the previous 30 hours (minus said snooze). I don't know if that number is accurate, but my mind has debilitated far too much to challenge or verify it with simple arithmetic.

Today: Naps aren't happening.

When he starts crying...
...my inside says, "You've been crying for 8 months straight. Aren't you ready for a little variety?"

...my outside takes a deep breath, sighs, and closes her eyes for a full 4 seconds.

...my inside then says, "He probably feels worse than I do. I'm sitting here complaining that he won't stop crying, but he is probably crying because I haven't given him what he wants/needs"

...my outside then says, "I know you're feeling so bad sweetie, come here" as a snuggle him to me and rub his forehead.

Then comes nap time.

My heart breaks as he unsuccessfully attempts to sleep. His body eventually surrenders to a fitful 10 minutes of rest after a good dose of Orajel, only to wake up again when the numbing agent wears off.

When he wakes up...

...my inside says, "But I haven't even peed yet."

...my outside takes a deep breath, sighs, and closes her eyes for a full 4 seconds.

...my inside then says, "Perhaps Baby Sign will work. Wait, he's not even coordinated enough to bend his arm to get a teething ring in his mouth."

...my outside then takes a deep breath, sighs, and closes her eyes for a full 4 seconds.

...my inside then says, "Remember how bad you felt last week when you were sick? How you just wanted to be cuddled and you couldn't sleep or breathe properly? How you were miserable and you didn't care who knew it? Yeah. Same thing. And if you were 100% again, this would be a piece of cake so buck up."

...my outside then says, "I know you're feeling so bad sweetie, come here" as a snuggle him to me and rub his forehead.

You see my inner conflict here?

I don't need a "hang in there" or a pity party (which always makes me feel worse). I just need a reminder.

Ah yes, there it is.

That's better. Not all better. But better.

7 comments:

Erica Huff said...

You worded it beautifully! That's exactly how you feel. I hope the teething ends soon. He sure is a handsome boy.

Kara said...

The joys of teething! (at least that's what it sounds like) I hope the tooth breaks in soon. One of Hallie's molars broke through a few days ago. That explained all the crying out at night and the high fever, which she never had with the other ones.
Good luck!! It'll be over before you know it and you'll hopefully both be sleeping through the night. Jonas is such a cute chunk!

vigues said...

I'm so sorry! Good luck....and never forget, it's not your fault or your inabilities or anything. I used to blame myself when Jack went through that. I think being a mom is HARD. Well worth it, but hard!

natalie said...

Ah Jen. I feel for you. I really do. You can't turn off the mommy inside. And I know those feelings of guilt at the end of being frustrated with your little one. You are doing a great job though. I know that. You are great at anything you do. Jonas is lucky to have you. He knows that, but his teeth won't let him tell you yet.

Jennifer said...

You can do it Jen. You must, because I will need an example in another couple of months. Closing your eyes for 4 seconds is a great coping mech. Only its so hard to get them back open...

Jeanette said...

Can I just copy and paste this post to my own blog?! Of course, I would replace 8 months with 13 months...I feel your pain. Hopefully your little one will have more happy days than sad soon.

Janae Walker said...

I am so sorry Jen! We can trade for a couple days when you come to visit! You need a little bit of a break :) Although, teething does that to even the best of babies (even Reed got fussy!) - it will pass some day :)